I started to sit up a
long time last night looking over my "friends" profiles. Four cups of
coffee and 5 cigarettes later I come to the realization that many of my
"real" friends have moved or Im not involved with anymore. I miss
them. I miss the connection of being completely free around those
people. The freedom from persecution, from hesitance. Now looking
back, I have come to understand that feeling that free is a thing of
the past. Growing up has alot to do with that. And I am by no means
there, I am just closer than many and behind most. I still have alot
of ways to go.
And STILL even thinking about it, a feeling that free is the freedom of the child. A being not old enough to have a whole variety of skeletons in their closet. A being free from having a conversation feeling hindered because of those lurking underthoughts that are kind of there, and kind of not. In some ways the essence of being ignorant is quite blissful with it's own set of agenda. In some ways all adults are the opposite. We find these holes to put our persecutions of people in, so that we may see the good in them. And then sometimes, just sometimes those persecutions come out to say hello and change your mind in a way that you can't quite describe.
And graduation, walking out that door and into an actual life, instead of a state mandated one, I felt nothing. Nonchalant about anyone I had just completed this accomplishment with. Unaware of which of them would die in the next 5 years, where they'd go, what they would see, who they'd meet, or what they would become. The severance package that comes along with college is just about as good as celery and tabasco sauce. The entrance into a world you may hate or you may love. The people you grow to despise or cherish. Most importantly, the experiences you have. And when it's all said and done with, you can look back, and claim you didn't miss a beat, you were on cue. Or maybe you weren't.
I talk to about 2% of my friend list on a normal basis, that HAS to stop. Involvement can teach, as well as annoy. But annoyance increases patience. So I only lose on the aspect of time, where it is in my favor because of youth. I cannot pretend to know more than I do, nor can I accept showing stupidity when it is not the core of my being. All we can ever do is try. For what? Your guess is as good as mine.
Jul 31, 2006
And STILL even thinking about it, a feeling that free is the freedom of the child. A being not old enough to have a whole variety of skeletons in their closet. A being free from having a conversation feeling hindered because of those lurking underthoughts that are kind of there, and kind of not. In some ways the essence of being ignorant is quite blissful with it's own set of agenda. In some ways all adults are the opposite. We find these holes to put our persecutions of people in, so that we may see the good in them. And then sometimes, just sometimes those persecutions come out to say hello and change your mind in a way that you can't quite describe.
And graduation, walking out that door and into an actual life, instead of a state mandated one, I felt nothing. Nonchalant about anyone I had just completed this accomplishment with. Unaware of which of them would die in the next 5 years, where they'd go, what they would see, who they'd meet, or what they would become. The severance package that comes along with college is just about as good as celery and tabasco sauce. The entrance into a world you may hate or you may love. The people you grow to despise or cherish. Most importantly, the experiences you have. And when it's all said and done with, you can look back, and claim you didn't miss a beat, you were on cue. Or maybe you weren't.
I talk to about 2% of my friend list on a normal basis, that HAS to stop. Involvement can teach, as well as annoy. But annoyance increases patience. So I only lose on the aspect of time, where it is in my favor because of youth. I cannot pretend to know more than I do, nor can I accept showing stupidity when it is not the core of my being. All we can ever do is try. For what? Your guess is as good as mine.
Jul 31, 2006
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