Ramblings of a Borderline Personality Disorder

Honestly, looking in the mirror will make you more of a man/woman than anything. It always seems like it's those times we stop and examine ourselves, can we know even more about others around us. Or sometimes the opposite. Sometimes, we bottom out and become something we always were, we had just denied it the whole time. We finally accept what or who we are and understand that unless we break our backs to do so, there is technically no changing it. Sometimes, we journey out, putting our throats on the table, and unsuspectingly get it cut. We make assumptions leading nowhere but to our own ignorance and self-unawareness. We live in many worlds at once while it's occupants only perceive one. It's quite easy to forget the focus of your life while constantly focusing on the extremities of modern society. Often, we are crumbled by something. We wait in the dark searching for light, only to take a step and discover there isn't floor where there once was, only other various sized holes. At times, our heads are in the clouds and we could give beauty to a nation. We implode upon our inner-self with vast expressions of meaningful thoughts. Even at times of great elation, there is a constant nagging feeling somewhere within. It cannot be remedied. It is like when you are enjoying yourself and something always happens to screw it up, the feeling rears it's ugly head and you are left with disdain. A kind of bitterness untouched by the better side of you. Out of all of this comes resolution. You begin to go over your dreams, again and again, until you are so focused on what will happen after that instead of just getting there. Sometimes our hearts spread in so many directions that even taking a path seems pointless. There is always something you'll leave behind and miss, a part of yourself you cannot deny, yet cannot envelope yourself within. There are too few hours in the day to accomplish what you want, like a man who has been stabbed crawling on his stomach to a hospital only 300 yards, simply not enough time. There is no general meaning to life. Nor can there ever be. We all are just beings of light and movement constantly re-evaluating our present situation to adapt to our experiences. We build conceptual realms within ourselves to further progress our individual ambitions and wishes, never (even if we do something for another out of kindness) do we try to further progress the whole. Even charities are benefiting a specific section of this populated rock. There are never really answers to anything of which can be certain. Only possibilities spiraling within a constant preparation that we create. Facts are points of views from states of mind pertaining to specific concepts and environments. Opinions are the only truth short of adhering one's self to an idea. Marriage, commitment, love, hate, they are all ideas, bred to try to explain how hormones and enzymes react within us. Modern science is hardly capable of explaining the brain fully, as it still has little concrete information. Sex is a drug we use to deepen our assumptions of a relationship, even if the relationship is of very little substance. Rarely are there instances of pure expression and expressive peace coming from us. For to live that way would outcast the individual from his/her peers. A constant reminder to live.

May 10, 2005